easter, homesick, peter, me

I find it the case too that "we have to feel the universe at once as an ogre’s castle, to be stormed, and yet as our own cottage, to which we can return at evening...Christianity was the answer to a riddle, not the last truism uttered after a long talk...it came into the world firstly in order to assert with violence that a man had not only to look inwards, but to look outwards, to behold with astonishment and enthusiasm a divine company and divine captain. The only fun in being a Christian was that a man was not left alone with the Inner Light, but definitely recognized an outer light, fair as the sun, clear as the moon, terrible as an army with banners...[this] Christian optimism is based on the fact that we do not quite fit in…I had heard that I was in the wrong place, and my soul sang for joy, like a bird in spring. The knowledge found out and illuminated forgotten chambers in the dark house of infancy. I knew now why grass had always seemed to me as queer as the green beard of a giant, and why I could feel homesick at home.” – G.K. Chesterton

Related closely with Peter on this Easter. Tired of my many personal denials of the Savior I love. Homesick.

Last Monday I started classes at Fuller Theological in Seattle. Working harder than ever before to preserve hours of time to study. Pray that I have a guarded mind. I never intended to use phrases like "the older I get," but find it a simple and true explanation (if not the only one that I understand). However, there is much more available to me now that I am older. Sin I talked clearly about in my youth I can now see tempting me. None of us are exempt. What will can be done? I cannot face it alone, neither can you. We must meet with the Lord in prayer. Prayer has not been easy lately. I love it more than ever, but find it hard to kneel. I even find great pleasure remembering the stories of people I have met or missionaries that I have read of that prayed instead of amusing away their days. And when the band of soldiers and pharisees come to capture Jesus in Gethsemane they find me sleeping, unprepared and unready to fulfill any vow I have made to stand by my Lord. But that Easter for Peter and this Easter for me only carries power if it is about the Lord. If the first Easter were a story of Peter it would have been quickly forgotten. The failure of a fallen man casts no shadow on the long awaited Savior. Regardless of me Christ will bring healing. Praise God I cannot hold Him back. What claim have I on a man that death could not contain and to whom angels adore? The Easter story is not about my claim, but about the claim He made on me.

Jesus, I thank you for not overlooking my stupidity. You addressed it, and I felt ashamed that you would take notice. I do not pretend to understand the cost you made. You know that I do not. Even more, You have seen the way that I have continued to take Your grace for granted. I am sorry. I have done so many things to limit the effect of Your good love on my life. I want to be a willing bride, but find my love constantly so weak, so unworthy. Is it not demeaning for you to love me? Is it not foolish of you to continue calling me your brother? Your wisdom is confirmed by a power greater than I understand. You will not be limited by philosophy or dissected by science. These tools were made only for us to praise certain parts of your creative expression. You want a relationship and that is exactly what I am bad at. Please help. I would love to be closer to You.

your unworthy, Daniel